PSYCHO

i should be sleeping right now u know? well, i dont know why im still awake. perhaps this gotta do with the habit of staying awake every night.

recently i had been keeping late nights till wee hours around 3-4am. and oh yes, 4am is the time which few people get up from bed for work.

duh, why on the earth do i say this, or even talk about it? no reason through. just being random.

right now i know i haven't blogged for some time and it's already irregular while my other peeps keep on updating theirs daily faithfully. okay, it makes me ponder. what, where, when, which and how the goddamned hell did they ever find time for their own daily rumblings?!

wait a half-second, i aint mad at them, okay. i was just cursing at the fact that they seem more free than me.

everyone is tired. so am i.

i sense it everyday especially when im at that bloody fuckin studio. however they dont seem exhausted as anticipated. instead they are either slogging away like mad or slacking away like as if there's tons of endless tomorrows for them.

and i just realised that im kinda into this psycho-philosophical state very recently. very soon, i will be fully into this mode. well, let me cite a very good example here. i actually cut small triangular-like holes of every arc stand of clifford pier, concourse. hahahaha. there, i told u yeah? that im gonna be psycho soon. honestly, let me clarify this fact with you guys - before i cut those small holes, i didnt think it was a need then. i simply auto-functioned. like auto cut whatever i see to be holes in the concourse.

psycho. pscho. psycho. oh did i miss out the "y" in the second word "pscho"? duh.

what the fuck had actually happened?

of course, i just laughed at my own true psycho-ness on the spot when my peeps pointed out to me that i cut those mini holes like mad. i think its cool to be psycho-ed.

ah! some of you would think it aint cool or whatever shit your wonderful human brain can come up with, simply to describe it.

there, didnt i tell u? that im falling into full-time psycho mode soon and naturally will say such "cool-psycho" stuffs.

o well. let me grab some sleep for now before i continue to function psycho mode afterwards, okay?

SOME PHILOSOPHY OF MINE

something just appeared in my mind, forming links of links to it... let me gather myself for i'm lost in my thoughts, tangled together.

i was having a conversation with him when he mentioned about his buddy telling him stuffs of his buddy's friend.

okay, im sick of using the noun "buddy", so let's just call that buddy, A.
A told him her friend's stuffs which her friend had confided in her.

i thought to myself, does A even respect her friend? is A actually abusing her friend's trust in her when her friend told her? if so, then what is respect? does its value need to be conserved? or even its definite meaning from any dictionary? well, i checked the online dictionary and got this...

re spect [ri-spekt]

-noun

1. a particular, detail, or point (usually prec. by in): to differ in some respect.

2. relation or reference: inquiries with respect to a route.

3. esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability: I have great respect for her judgment.

4. deference to a right, privilege, privileged position, or someone or something considered to have certain rights or privileges; proper acceptance or courtesy; acknowledgment: respect for a suspect's right to counsel; to show respect for the flag; respect for the elderly.

5. the condition of being esteemed or honored: to be held in respect.

6. respects, a formal expression or gesture of greeting, esteem, or friendship: Give my respects to your parents.

7. favor or partiality.

8. Archaic. a consideration.

-verb (used with object)

9. to hold in esteem or honor: I cannot respect a cheat.

10. to show regard or consideration for: to respect someone's rights.

11. to refrain from intruding upon or interfering with: to respect a person's privacy.

12. to relate or have reference to.


there are many meanings of respect, however i had highlighted these bold maroon which carries the same meaning. well, im trying to show that A didnt acknowledge her friend's privacy rights when A spilled out her friend's stuffs to him.

from that incident, i was feeling so damn vexed because i was enlightened by the fact that we humans can actually deceive ourselves when we either say or promise that we can be good confidants to others. just what is respect in our human brains? are we actually horrible monsters who doesnt realise how others would feel if we were to spill their stuffs to others, while going around enjoying sharing others' stuffs with others?

through it was not my stuff, but A's friend's stuff, it is only right that i shouldnt get so excited over it. however i couldnt help feeling so pissed off with A when i put myself in A's friend's shoes! if i ever tell my own stuffs to a person who i trust, just to discover she had betrayed my trust in her, it would be so damn pissfying for me to contain it.

and i wont deny that im unlike a saint who practises respect. i do commit the same mistake.

it was only today that i realised that how terribly bad it can be if you ever find out one day that other humans know of your secrets and stuffs just because you told one human who you trusted the most. this is where there are links of links of links, as good as endless connections!

well, yes, just as you can guess it, im feeling so turned off.

why?

because he told me that it's all about being open and its common to tell others stuffs of others nowadays.

yes, i know, i know!

but!

it's but one thing to be extremely open about it, the other thing is but to show respect!

they are two different matters, being open to the extreme doesnt mean disregarding the respect for that person.

however he didnt seem to get my point...

oh well.

forget it man, i just realised that it's pointless carrying on a conversation with him who failed to grasp the essence of my emphsised words. perhaps, some of you would not agree with me and agree with him, thinking "what's the big deal about that" and so on...whatever so on as you define it.

i had just voiced out my stand clearly and that's what matters to me.

the rest is definitely up to you to decide.

THANK YOU MY BEST FRIEND

this post is delicated to my best friend, censored. (censored is her nick)

and this text is in green color which is her favourite color.

thank you for instilling some sweet memories which we had since young. because all this while i had plain forgotten the old times we had.

i was too caught up with bloody never-ending projects in poly. it was only today that i checked out her blog which featured our 10 years friendship tribute as well as the commercement of my birthday. (my birthday was over - it was 2 days ago)

as i read her blog, i felt so moved and all the old photos brought back the memories which i gingerly savoured every single bit of it.

i knew her since the age of 9, in primary 3. we studied together, were classmates from primary 5-6 and took same PSLE, became classmates again from sec 1 - 4 and sat for same o'levels, and as Fate seemed to decree it an end of studying together, we finally had different tertiary education. it was indeed kind of sad that time for we had to cope with different environments and lead our own lives then. however we still managed to keep in touch and our friendship had never once weakened despite lesser time to meet and chat. perhaps it was due to our "strong" bond? i noticed that we can read each another's minds since young. so this factor could contribute to our long time friendship.

these photos which she had put up, had really moved not only my heart, but stirred my soul within me and brought out the child-like innocence hiding inside me all this while. i felt like a child once again, being so carefree and happy. i really felt like breaking down for once, after all the time that i had been so occupied with my tertiary life. i realized that i almost abandoned my old memories behind while pursuing current tertiary life of mine. it was all thanks to her that i'm able to gather my old memories and never abandon them behind again.

what i'm feeling right now; it's difficult to describe into words. even if there are such chim words to descibe it, it can never be described smoothly. it is only understood by the heart, only if one feels it.

i see myself in these old photos, i felt so silly and awkward and awfully glad to be able to reminiscense. these days, i was just a little girl, with a wildful and naive mind, and that dare-devil and heck-care attitude (which made everyone shoot their mouths off when they saw me doing the unexpected). now this very same girl who u know, is still the same a little except that she had matured alot ever since and the heck-care attitude still exists in her sometimes.

our long-lived friendship is something which i had never expected to flourish since primary 3 and it is still going on strongly. it is one of the best things which had happened to me in my life and i had been appreciating it all this while. to be able to have a person who can read my mind and share anything with me, is truly very consoling to know for i have earned a very precious friend in my life out of millions of millions of people in this world.

once again, i thank you for keeping our friendship bond alive and thanks for these photos! (through we may seem too childish and too ugly as children!) and i will be seeing you again for lunch later! =)