BACK

im back.

i had no mood to blog about my life as i had been handling a small misunderstanding in my relationship.

but that was last week.

last thursday to be exact.

well, i will make it brief as i dont want to get too personal about it in case my guy happens to read this blog of mine.

haha.

it was like that - all because of his damned phone which aint workin properly.

i kept on texting and calling him but no response.

later i bumped into him at the library and waved to him.

however he seemed uneasy in front of his friends.

the best part was that bee and chunmeng had witnessed the saddest and shocking event.

which was that my guy simply didnt stay on to talk with me and went off with his peeps instead.

i thought to myself, how could he simply ignore my smses and calls and act as if nothing had happened?

so i just went after him and saw him chatting so happily with them, which made me sad.

but i still gathered my courage and touched his arm behind.

then he was shocked then i signed "five mins can?"

one of his peeps saw me and stood to wait for him.

but he told one of his friends to leave without him and the group left.

i could sense his embarrassment with my presence in front of them.

sigh, i was really very miserable then.

silence.

we just walked back to studio and i left with him early afternoon.

i questioned him just to find out that he didnt even know that i had been texting and calling him beforehand.

even when he was in the library.

no wonder he acted ignorant - he didnt know i had wanted to go home with him.

it was only an misunderstanding.

however i still feel kind of heavy in my heart.

just imagine - he can really talk with them freely without SIGNING.

perhaps im being too sensitive but i beg to differ.

for he had mentioned in a moment of anger that he didnt like to sign to me anymore.

that really hurt me deep inside.

does signing to me really bother him so much?

please.

im deaf and you gotta accept that!

what's bloody fuck wrong with signing?

i know you dont mind it but sorry i still cant forget that day when u showed your embarassment with my presence in front of your bloody fuck friends.

im sorry to criticise them but hey who is more important to you, me or them?

although you apologised for it, it can never seal up the cut u had given to my heart.

i really get so sad just thinking about it.

perhaps you aint mature yet.

u've yet to experience the reality in ns.

i dare bet with my life that you will change after ns.

just dont bet with me cos you will lose for sure.

just get ready for a change-over!

STRESS

hi.

i won't be going jogging with my peeps later in the evening.

which is a disappointment.

as my current goddamned two projects had began to take a toll on me.

it's simply very weary, i tell you!

i'm way too tired and sick of this shit.

i honestly can't wait to finish this and welcome my 1 month plus vacation next month.

yay.

i do deserve this very much!

the same goes for my fellow did peeps!

did peeps out there, just hang on for 2 weeks plus more!

eh, mentioning 2 weeks plus, i suddenly don't feel like doing anything.

and i'm suddenly so scared.

time is running out.

and i'm still at my two projects unfinished.

but hey, i did some productive work just to console myself.

i just know i gotta work, i just know it okay, thank you.

don't ever mention the countdown to dreadful submission ever again.

A PANG OF REGRET

just had a small friction with my guy.

i merely asked him how and why he finds that petite girl cute.

yet he didnt seem keen to share this with me and even showed me his temper.

not again.

we had just patched it up.

you are my everything.

you understand and know me the best.

you are pretty and sexy to me.

you are the one for me, dear.

that was what he said to me.

and i was tongue-tied for i had nothing to argue back.

i could tell he meant it from the bottom of his heart then.

yet right now, i'm beginning to doubt myself.

i don't doubt his words through.

had i made a terrible mistake of giving us another chance after previous numberous chances?

i really don't know how to answer that.

it had been haunting me since this morning friction.

i do admit that i did feel upset, but i chose not to let it bother me now.

because this is not even worse than the heart broken feeling.

the feeling of not being able to have shared your beloved's true opinions in a topic.

it sucks.

sighz.

was i foolish to open up my heart to him despite him hurting me often with his temper?

was i heading for trouble when i declared myself as his reason of his change in his temper?

was i terribly mistaken that he will never change his way of handling stuffs whenever he's angry?

right now i truly will not bother about him anymore.

he had gone too far.

he didn't consider my feelings in the first place.

i just can't understand him as he wanted it his way!

this is not the first time anyway.

i'm considering to part with him even if it means losing him as a friend.

maybe. maybe not.

MY SPEECH

a good afternoon to everyone.

let me deliver an informal speech here.

for the past three days, i had been crying non-stop as i was really heart-broken.

everything of me changed totally.

which i thought to be for good.

i would cry alone in a corner, usually in my home toilet spot, buried in isolation.

i had wanted someone to be there for me who was never there for me.

and that someone is none other than the person who i love very much.

what triggered my heart to be broken was simply his hostility towards me whenever he is angry.

in fact he had repeated that many times - angry, hostility towards me, breakup, left me alone, then finally to come back to me after some time.

yeah i'm serious it's a goddamned heart-wrecking cycle.

i let myself sink into depression for few days till i woke up to feel much lighter today.

i honestly don't know why.

perhaps i had been crying my heart out for past few days already.

and today embarks a new life for me despite i'm not officially apart with him.

i smiled for the first time with my heart.

i was suddenly enlightened after having went through the painful process which seemed a long heavy torture.

i realized that i had let it go.

guys, who was once in the same plight as me, do go through the torture first for it's the most important process to enlightenment of the heart.

my dear friend, bee, warned me about having relapses such as having the sad feeling back after some time.

thank you for sharing this with me; i really appreciate you.

so let's see if i will have a relapse later but i truly doubt it as i no longer feel anything towards it.

*smiles*

yes, i'm a happy person now.

even if he wants to leave me for good and never be my friend, i'll be more than glad to let him go.

he can find a better happiness then.

i believe i had been his only happiness all along.

however there is always another better happiness waiting for him somewhere.

if i were to make the decision, i'll keep him untill he finds a better happiness.

i know some of you may be wondering why i'm thinking that way.

it's simply because i really love him from the bottom of my heart that i want to give him happiness until he finds a better one.

he aint a bastard in my eyes but a beautiful dark angel who conceals his kind heart and appear hostile.

i aint appearing noble or whatever.

it's what i truly feel.

love is the strongest drive of force when it exists in the heart.

i once lost faith in love, but now i built my own love and planted faith inside it.

thank you everyone for listening.

DEEP SORROW

i was pressing enter and backwards in this entry just to stare at that scrollbar going down and up.

i know i'm depressed now.

even numb too.

i even don't know what is love anymore.

i have no more faith anymore.

i clung onto every glimmer of hope, having a feeling of possiblity to make it happen.

it seems so near yet so far...

you seem to drift away from me

remember the first time we met

you had plenty of time for me in the world

a few years later, you had no time for me in the world

no matter how hard i try to shake it off

i can't stand not being able to chat with you for all the time in the world

once our world

now my world alone

you won't even be an ordinary friend of mine even if we depart one day

why are you so cruel

i'm willingly to see you as my friend after we depart

yet you were firm

i just don't see the need to

on top of that, you even had no good reason for it

why must you run away from it

i just can't see it your way

for there's nothing to understand

in fact you were the one who i very much wanted to confide in

yet you are so distant despite our short distance

you were the one who i had ever dreamt of sharing my life with

yet you seem far away to share happiness with me

you were the one who i hold so dearly to

yet you broke my heart time again and again

you were the one who i really wanted

yet you had to make me hate you and love you at the same time

i was left stranded alone by you

weeping non-stop

never knowing when it will stop

why is it that you were never there for me

you were always buried in work

work seems more important than my heart

i'm sorry to say all these

but i really hate this

i only want to feel appreciated

just a simple message of romantic words from your heart will make me happy

to show me that you had been appreciating me all along

however i can only feel your hostility towards me whenever you were in anger

without hesitation

you shot me right in my fragile heart mercilessly

i was dead for good.

never to come back to you alive when you really need me.

TRUE LOVE

guys, i'm here to recommend a stupid yet romantic movie.

it features kate and leopold who are poles apart in time factor.

kate's in 2001 while leopold's in 1867.

yet they are destined in love.

which ties them together despite the time gap barrier.

the stupidest part is was when kate jumped off at the brooklyn bridge at that certain time to return to 1867.

and found her lover leopold.

true love could be sensed.

for life.

HEART BROKEN

now that all good things had came to an end.

good times are gone.

loneliness sets in the next.

the things we had shared so much for 3 years together.

the way you gazed into my eyes,

the way you held my hand,

the way you talked sweetly to me,

the way you kissed our hands together,

the way you smiled to me,

i can never forget them all.

do you know...

that you meant the whole world to me all this while?

until you said you didn't want sign to me anymore, didn't like sign anymore, find it troublesome to sign to me, and don't want to see me ever again,

you had delivered the deepest and most painful sharp stab right into my heart.

my love, do u know how badly it hurts?

i know you are no longer my love.

my love who i've loved and cared for so much,

is no longer mine.

now you find me a eye-sore,

i don't mean anything to you anymore,

even if i depart from this world one day,

you won't even give me a damn.

do you know i had been loving you unconditionally?

thru i tend to tell you that you had been neglecting me and stuffs.

i knew you loved me unconditionally too.

my heart is still the same, still loving you so deeply.

i cling onto every hopeless hope of having you back.

please, tell me if my hopes aint gonna come true?

you had told me you wanted to leave me for good.

so i did let you go with a bleeding heart.

i'm learning to let you go.

i'm picking up the shattered pieces you had broken my heart into.

and piece them together and a scar will be formed.

it will reflect our existed love history we once shared.

now i finally experienced a true break-up.

thank you for making it happen and leaving a permanent scar in my heart.

you were my history.

i don't know if you will be my future in time to come.

i seriously think it's all bcos of my blog entry that triggered our breakup.

once again, i stress that entry was nothing but just random thoughts when under stress.

but what's the use?

it doesn't change the fact that i've lost you for good.

i don't know if you are reading this for i have a feeling that you won't be back here.

this fact remains that i had loved you and will still love you in my heart in many years to come.

i'm afraid that i can't grow old with you in time to come which i had always dreamt of.

I LOVE YOU DARLING.

EATING DISORDER

i have an eating disorder.

my breakfast had been replaced by late supper.

every day, lunch, dinner and supper.

lunch and dinner as usual but supper is between 11pm-1am.

my god.

breakfast is very important!

i only eat breakfast every monday morning as my mum always has time to prepare for me.

while tuesday onwards, no breakfast as mum has no time.

i hope to kick this habit after i graduate.

as i'll really re-organise my schedule.

sighz, i had been like that since i was in primary school.

no appetite in early morning, usually.

if i force myself to eat breakfast, i'll be vomitting afterwards.

my stomach needs some time to adapt to eating breakfast, which is difficult to achieve.

right now i stay up just to eat a generous piece of fruit cake which tasted sweeter than expected.

so sweet that i got sick of the sweetness and i didn't finish it.

left 1/4 of it.

i don't have a sweet tooth through.

and oh yes, in 7 hours' time, school will commerce with a blue monday.

oh how i hate monday blues when most of us would be waking up so late for school and never fail to miss the first morning lectures by alexis and larry.

but i'm going to school later for sure as i have to pass the printed report to my guy who needs it urgently.

the thought of waking up at 6am just sucks big time.

and yes, time's running out for two projects at hand.

which sucks the most.

i'm just gonna fulfil the very basic requirements only.

FLOATIING IN THE AIR

i don't know where to start.

there are quite a number of things flashing through my mind right now, all messed up and processing simulataneously.

then emotions set in.

yesterday i went jogging with close peeps but i only jogged a short distance and chatted with my pal while walking briskly.

walking is better than jogging as it encourages more effective blood circulation as stated from health magazines.

afterwards, i went dining with my best friend and drank red wine with her shortly after.

which sucked big time as it was bitter and sour.

13% alcohol content.

i don't know if that's considered alot.

heck it man.

let's go onto next thing - today.

today started off with a last minute shock from my guy who had last minute change of plan.

that irritated me for i had planned to have my own space today.

oh well, i still let him come over my house to do his stuffs while i was super sleepy and forced myself not to sleep.

damn.

finally i managed to hurry him up so that i could sleep.

i slept in till dinner time.

i ate dinner while watching tv as usual.

haha.

that felt so good just idling around.

perhaps i had been burnt out from all fuckingly damn projects.

and i've started to appreciate free time.

then i had to fight with my guy.

all cos of the void feeling.

no sparks.

he neglected me over his heavy workload.

that's alright, i had never uttered a word of complaint then.

until now i had just told him honestly that i can't take it anymore that he aint there to share my stress or at least talk to me.

but he had to misunderstand me that i was asking for too much.

hello, i've helped you in your work stuffs like typing out and printing.

yet you can't seem to be a help to me when i badly need it.

moreover you seem to brush me aside when you are so busy.

any idea of how that felt?

it was truly making me feel down even more.

i no longer wanted to share everything with you.

then you had to say break up.

i really don't know why you kept on saying break up whenever i say i feel neglected by you.

is it that you can't stand me anymore?

is it that you really have no time for me?

is it that you can't be too bothered to listen to my heart?

is it that you've changed?

however i believe that we have our own hectic schedules.

but surely was it wrong of me to tell you how i feel?

perhaps i had not fully understood you.

perhaps i'm too tired to understand you.

perhaps i can't really understand you despite the efforts i've put in for you.

all i feel now is only negative-ness towards our relationship.

it is more or less settling down.

when i suggested to put our relationship on hold for awhile due to work, you took it as a breakup.

what's this fuck you're giving me?

do you even understand both terms of short break and a break-up?

please, they are both very different.

you really kind of broke my heart to know that you really think of me that way.

when can we ever sit down to fully understand each another?

we never had the time to.

you were too caught up in your own work.

perhaps despite being good and faithful to me, you kind of failed to understand my heart.

i'm afraid i can't live with this kind of guy in future.

anyway you don't really know my blog and you won't be reading this.

even if u knew my blog, you won't really read it to understand my heart for you don't like words.

the kind of guy who i once knew, was really very understanding and patient and willingly to listen to my heart.

yet this same guy who i knew, had turned into a domineering guy who is very ambitious and moving too fast for me and neglected my heart at times whenever buried in work.

just thinking about it, can make my tears come out.

my heart is screaming for the old you to come back.

but the old you didn't seem to come back.

the new you had taken over.

i really don't know what to do.

cos i just realised that my heart may not be able to keep you for long.

i didn't mention this to you for i don't want to hurt you.

i'm really trying my best to keep on loving you but you seem to cut it short everytime.

it takes two hands to clap.

i'm so afraid of stopping loving you one day.

i don't want to stop loving you.

TOLL

this is my true thought as well as my comment for nazi's blog entry. enjoy.

high five!
we are both in the same boat man, being in the process of what the toll had taken on us. haha. yeah i can understand the true feeling of being burnt out. cos we had been having sleepless nights, rushing for submissions for almost 3 years straight, so naturally we will tend to be on the verge of breakdown.
but faris said to me, "enjoy stress". i think he was trying to tell me to take it easy since outside working world is actually tougher and harsher.
oh well, i even don't know if i will take up a job according to interior design. maybe not. cos i just know how it works, and it's actually very stressful and your work schedule would be packed just like the famous architects in the past. surviving on take-aways or even skipping meals most of the time. on top of that, no regular sleep, which is bad for health. i really wonder that should we sacrifice our health to that extent of health deterioration? It's so f*ckingly stupid, u know?
if everyone were to do the same, i'm damn sure that there would be great chaos in singapore and even in other countries! then good bye to the world already. cos no one will survive the health deterioration when it gets too serious.
haha, i've gotten it off my chest! it feels so much better! i think i gonna post this in my blog for it's my inner feeling!

TRUTH HURTS

let us welcome morning.

coolness and stillness in the air.

and i really don't know why i'm having sleepless nights.

maybe i really can't sleep.

or something else occupies my mind.

i was actually happy a moment ago but suddenly got angry shortly after.

mood swings.

but what triggered this is from an online conversation with my friend just now.

the more i think about it, the more i feel betrayed.

it stabbed me right in the heart.

for a moment of hurtness, i couldn't digest the truth.

to think that i had been led on.

yet i'm beginning to understand more things.

they all fall into one big picture.

they all fit in beautifully yet there's more to it.

the initial picture i knew, is no longer a complete picture.

for i know there is always a bigger picture behind it.

and i've yet to find out the WHOLE thing.

oh well, right now i'm just feeling disappointed.

cos i've found out what i'm supposed not to know.

but it aint a very bad thing through.

however i just cant help it as i'm related to it indirectly.

it had happened last year yet it seems like years since i learnt the truth.

my illusion had been leading me on all this while.

i don't know whether to smile or cry.

smile that it had happened and move on.

cry for i had been led on.

it's obvious that most peeps would choose the former option for me.

but i truly feel so betrayed and i'd rather opt for the latter.

perhaps i let myself be betrayed unknowingly when i was indulging myself in illusion.

only until today, i was shaken outta my illusion.

i thought i knew everything.

but i was terribly wrong.

is it worth knowing the truth?

the truth always hurts.

i had been deceiving myself unknowingly.

let me be sad for now.

TAGBOX

The winner will be - flashbox (i'm far more than beautiful, than cbox) cbox (yawns it's obvious who's the winner) Results: Tagbox

pals, the majority will decide the final winner. meanwhile, i'll retain both flashbox and cbox for 1 month to allow votes to be generated in a fair way.

BURNT OUT

phew.

it was sure time-consuming to alter this latest blogskin to perfection.

oh and i'd like to thank kristy for creating this skin while honing up her skills in photoshop.

thanks, kristy and i love this skin.

i have another source of blogskins - kristy!

but hey, it depends for she will be busy in advance.

nevertheless, i've managed to use her skin and it's such an honour.

okay, talking about shitwork, i'm really lagging behind!

gotta commit suicide very soon.

suicide, anyone?

ATTENTION!

pals, i have added in another tag from cbox.

haha.

this is to let these who can't access to the flashbox, be able to have another alternate tag!

oh my, isn't it an awfully good idea?

are you rejoicing now, especially nazi and jas?

haha, it's cos they kept on complaining to me about my flashbox man.

that darn flashbox kept on loading and refreshing repeatedly in front of me in the pc.

so irritating.

haha.

and yeah, cbox is here to save you from all these goddamned waiting and frustration.

wah, i sure sound as if i'm serving you up to standard eh?

ensure that you guys have a good time at my blog and stuffs.

hahaha.

CHANGE OF SKIN

good morning to all.

i'm going to sleep soon after this entry.

yeah, i just changed my blogskin as the bloody black blogger box at the above had became more than an eye sore to me each time i visit my own blog.

now this one is far better!

it just seems to match well with the black box at the least man.

and my dear pals out there, i sincerely apologise for the failure of loading and refreshing the tagboard!

i honestly don't know what is the real big bloody problem with flashbox.

nevermind, just try to bear with it for awhile.

i may consider switching over to cbox as it's cool yet limited cute smileys and who knows, it may filter out vulgarities.

damnit.

i want freedom of speech including the vulgarities please.

haha.

that's me, alright.

LAME ME

hi.
bye.

that's what i learnt today from school when i interacted with the lecturers.

lame.

my mind is blank; only faces of people who i've seen in school today.

except bee.

she didn't turn up today.

bee, where are you?

when will you come back to me?

oops.

we are not together, please.

i was sprouting nonsense.

SHOOT HERE!

What will you do if your T2A & T2B kena shot by the bloody lectuers? nod to whatever the nonsense they bitch at you. shoot them back, what else?! (crawls away into a small mouse hole) tell them to their face that they had better shut up since it's your own work; they have NO right to critcise you. try to think of ways how to "fire" them through the DE director's authority. (ha-ha!) ignore them and just pack up all your stuffs. quit DID. commit suicide. (the best yet the stupidest way out for me!)

Results: DID shitwork stuffs

WEE HOURS

what's all about this adidas blogskin, you may wonder?

well, it's nothing actually.

i just love this adidas skin.

haha.

and i kind of feel that it sucks to a certain extent that the black blogger section at the top, spoils it all.

oh well, must i really change my blogskin again?

sighs.

not at the moment as i had just changed it man.

oh, please spare me.

i've lost my beauty sleep over this.

haha.

right now, i'm just chatting with louisa and kristy online.

hehe.

(to louisa: hey my shifu, yeah i just want to say i love you! haha!)

(to kristy: you really came online at 2am?! ohmigod. okay, i can say that u were damn lucky to have caught me online before i went offline!)

HOME

how good it feels right now, just lazing in my own chair in front of pc.

well, yeah i aint out right now; i had planned to stay at home as my guy's coming over my home to use my pc, yeah.

okay for this entry, i will cut it short.

now pals, i don't know anything about work.

still no mood though.

damn.

PRETTY TIRED

halo pals!

i had just arrived at the studio!

haha.

well, not many peers at the moment.

but i guess they will be here shortly after.

haha.

took a taxi here man.

woke up late at 7am this morning.

and left my home by 7.45am.

now i'm super bored and sleepy.

my head don't feel so right too.

slight dizziness and heaviness somewhere here and there.

sighz.

and my shit work is still hanging into the air, unfinished and untouched yet.

what the fuck.

and i'm supposed to start on another project together with this bloody project.

the best part - they are both due on same day.

oh great. oh so how great man.

i want my life back, you idiot lecturer!

i don't want to slave anymore goddamned blooody shit for you again.

not ever again...

GOODMORNING FRIDAY

hello.

whaat?

how come i'm still here?

haha.

i stayed awake to text my guy to keep him company while he does his work.

it's alright to me as it's my habit already.

and today is friday when i'd be reporting to bloody lecturers at the blooody studio later on.

only 7 hours more to the start of school.

oh and i'm pretty tired.

but i'm in a good mood today.

hahaha.

i seriously don't know why.

nono, i seriously can't tell you why!

hahaha.

okay, a hint here - someone had sent me smiling non-stop.

and no, he's not my darling boy, but someone else.

there you see, i told you that i can't tell you who!

*double laughter*

okay okay, just to be half precise, he's my dear pal from secondary school days.

hey i'm not obliged to say who exactly he is!

hahaha.

i've already let it out more than intended.

DILEMMA

ummm.

i don't know if i should change my blogskin again.

in fact, this current blogskin which is my favourite, is my 4th skin which i had changed to.

ohmifuckgod.

i cant believe that i keep on changing blogskins after a week plus.

i admit i do get sick of seeing the same blogskin everytime i navigate mine.

haha.

and bee's another good example besides me.

she kept on changing hers too, okay.

oh and back to the topic of changing my blogskin.

i was asking chunmeng on his opinion on the change.

he commented that i should keep this current one for now as it looks nice through, and i can change it at a later date.

but my heart keeps on urging me to change blogskin cos i've found a lovely one!

however i'm afraid that it may not appeal to all.

as it reflects a feminine style in the blogskin.

way way more feminine than my current one.

and it's simply soft pastel red of various shades incorporated together, making the whole outlook gorgeous.

oh well.

should i change it? just wait and see. i might. i might not.

LOVESICK

damn it.

i had actually typed a entry jus now ok.

yet it just disappeared magically when i had barely pressed the backward key!

oh well.

forget it.

today i skipped school as i've overslept again.

arrrgh. why this bad habit of oversleeping!

oh and i was talking about that idiot lecturer.

he and his so-called requirements which are so like bloody fuck.

well, forgive me pals, for talking bad about him here but i really can't help it ok.

he's full of nonsense and unrealistic bullshit la.

fuck la.

he expects us to do according to his standard.

what standard?

where got ar?

bitch.

everything will just spill outta my mouth without any thought of proper english interpretation.

hahhaa.

okay i think i've gathered myself man.

and yes, i'm having a headache which won't go away!

awww.

and oh yes, my darling will be coming over to my home this saturday!

hooray, i can "disturb" him while he does work at my pc!

hahaha.

how i miss you, my baby darling.

NOT-INTO-THE-WORK-MODE

i wake up to feel the coolness brushing against my body.

yes, today's weather is cool after raining in early morning.

haha.

it marks a good day for me cos no school.

yippee.

but alas, there's a model submission tomorrow.

sighz.

and i still don't know how my exterior looks like!

heck man.

now i'm hungry!

i gonna gorge lunch now!

and don't mention model, it aint gonna change my holiday mood right now man.

i don't know when i can switch over to work mode.

hahaha.

MY GUY AND I

i'm sensitive.

absolutely more than you thought.

very sensitive.

it all started with a mere chat with my guy.

i was feeling weary that time so i just vented my frustrations which i had from sch work, on him.

my tone switched from usual sweet pitch to a real nasty attitude.

that caught his attention, which prompted him into coaxing me that he'd be there for me and talk to me until i feel better.

however i just had to push it further by rubbing it in even more.

which seemed to declare the last straw for him.

he got angry, used his fierce spiteful tone against me.

that pinned me down and my frustrations seemed to disappear instantly.

confusion, anger and misery set in.

i tried to contain it but it was so hard to do so.

somehow, i managed to, but my tears were on the verge of coming out.

i let them slid down, wiped them off before they reached my cheeks.

i guess it's all cos of my period that causes my mood swings.

however my guy seemed to try cheering me up with his lame riddles.

and yes, that lightened my mood a little which was good.

i gradually smiled and started enjoying myself with him and his lame stuffs man.

haha.

looks like he's my baby darling who loves me as much as i love him.

I DON'T KNOW

i'm here in this sp library, blogging away.

god man, i just cant seem to stop blogging away man.

haha.

well, i just saw my guy pacing up and down in library man.

i waved to him and he saw me.

however he had to leave already as he had to get back his bag.

haiz.

what the heck man.

i thought he could stay here and chat with me.

sighz.

i'm so mad now!

hmmph!

talking about my work progress, god man, don't want to talk about it already!

cos i'm still behind time.

damn bitch.

i'm supposed to be done with bloody shit t2a by now.

but now i'm barely at the end of the beginning phase.

it's simply the start of the beginning.

heck man.

i don't know, i don't know how to, i don't know how to complete, i don't know how to complete this goddamned shit anymore!

wow, and oh that's so great.

holy shit.

OUR BABY BEAR'S BIRTHDAY

guess who?

i know u all got it right - NAM NGEE!

haha, it was very fun celebrating his birthday!

we had naughty peeps pouring cold water at him man.

and my water bottle was used by them around!

crazy crazy crazy.

wild wild wild.

even alexis, our lecturer, had witnessed the whole damn messy incident.

hahaha!

i really enjoyed myself tremendously, so did everyone else!

HAPPY 19th BIRTHDAY, NAM NAM!

ABNORMAL-NESS

my body is getting crazier.

crazier than expected.

cos i rose at 6am then i felt so refreshed but the problem is that i already planned to skip gems today at 8am.

haha.

so that means i should be waking up at 8am instead of 6am.

so i went back to sleep until 8am.

i woke up feeling like a total bitch.

weird, with more sleep, i should even be more refreshed but no.

well, i think my body had already adapted to lack of sleep.

damn.

i'm leading abnormal life of abnormal sleeping hours!

i seriously need help to get back my normal life.

can you?

FATAL ESCAPISM

yes.

i'm an escapist.

i love escaping.

i'm still learning how to escape.

and i'm still escaping.

i only know learning escapism.

the art of escapism is getting more and more bewitching yet so profound to grasp its very own essence.

i believe it does exist in me.

just that i've yet to grasp the essence within me.

i don't know when i'll ever succeed.

if you don't understand what the shit i'm saying, nevermind.

just don't come persuading me outta escapism.

cos the problem is that i've stepped on the escapism path of no return.

YET ANOTHER HOILDAY

i skipped school today.
hahaha.
all cos of the match.
france vs italy.
alas, the team which i had been rooting for, had lost by a mere missing penalty score.
and that team is FRANCE.
why france?!
why not the goddamned cursed italy?!
bitch.
hmmph!
i was packing up my stuffs for school and when i slipped into the warm comfort of my bed, i saw my bro's face glued to the tv.
curious, i asked him which teams are playing.
"Italy and France."
whaat?
i moved away from my bed jerkily and went closer to the tv.
ah yes!
i stayed up awake and rooted for France together with my bro.
it was only the beginning and we couldn't take our eyes off the tv.
damn.
damn exhilarating.
until the last half, the score was still 1-1.
and something had to happen.
an idiotic italian had to incur the wrath of zidane.
that made zidane headbutt that italian with his shaven iron head.
real hard.
that the weakling fell down wincing in pain in his chest.
oh holy shit.
who ever asked you to provoke zidane?!
what a jackass.
and oh yes, thank you very much for giving him a red card.
now get outta my way, you retarded jackass.
bitch.
and oh yes, henry was substituted by another player as he was tired.
ah what the heck.
the 2 key players aint in the field for the near ending last half!
that got me very anxious.
30 minutes extra time.
still no results.
penalty time.
at the second penalty turn, france played badly by missing the goal when it should have been scored!
the dented yellow-and-white ball had to fly up, hitting the top post then bounced back hard onto the ground.
it didnt touch the white line, declaring it no goal.
what the fuck?!
how can!
from there, france's morale didn't go down until italy scored the fifth penalty.
and italy had to run like mad dog, yelling in victory.
mad dogs, u didn't have to jump and run like mad dogs with rabies u know?!
u sure look like mad dogs over there, alright.
well, don't mind me snickering at italy.
i simply can't digest their undeserving victory.
it's more like france who deserves it.
zinedine zidane won't be playing for france in the next world cup.
you will always be a honour and the best representative of france in my eyes.

AGONY

why

why did you ever change your stand so soon

i thought you were becoming perfect in your imperfect self

i know no one is perfect

but i'd still be happy if you were really perfect in your imperfect self

but why

why did you ever stab me in my heart

instead of showering it with love

now i'm hurt right here

trying to put my message across to you

that i don't like your ugly self

i had seen it many times

i had experienced it many times

but have i ever demanded anything from you

i know i had consumed alot of your time and money

but why

why did you put all the blame on me

and just claim that i put those godamned words in your mouth

im sorry i don't realize that

i respect your liking for brands

so you should respect my taste too

the fact you appreciate brand designs

doesn't mean that i will too

i believe one has own individual taste

but you don't seem to realize that

you knew that i don't like that brand

yet you went to all the trouble just to get that for me

i appreciate the trouble you went through

however you are "forcing" me to like that brand which you like

don't you know

i'm feeling so pressurized to grow up fast with you

that's the problem of growing up so fast with you

that's abit too fast for me

why

why can't you either slow down for me

or

why can't you just at least respect my taste

you claimed that if i love you i should like whatever u give me

yes, by rights i should

but the problem is that you already knew what i didn't like

yet you gave me that thing

you've put me in a very difficult position, don't you realize

what am i to say to you to please you

if i do please you, i'll be deceiving myself

which means upsetting myself

and you once said that if i'm upset, you'd be miserable too

can't you open your eyes and see

can't you sharpen your ears and listen

can't you sense it

that you really broke my heart once again after so many times

i did break your heart too but i'm already changing so much for you

why can't you do the same

u had left me lost here

alone.